On turning 40.

For all the years I’ve wanted to be a writer (which is as many years as I can remember), I’ve cut myself a bit of slack by saying, “Well, it’ll happen someday. Someday I’ll be a real author.” But when you have a big birthday like I had this week, it forces you to assess and reassess all that you know to be true about yourself and your life. This birthday–more than any other–has been one of personal growth. For the first time ever, when I said, “I really don’t want anything for my birthday–I already have it all!” I really meant it. I do have everything I want or need, and if I don’t, the responsibility to obtain those things is mine and mine alone.

Holly and I are just a couple of weeks away from publishing the first book in our series, and we’ve got a summer of writing ahead of us. We’ve been super-creative lately, thinking of story lines, picture ideas (she took the one above in our neighborhood park yesterday after I brought home all of the balloons that my wonderful coworkers and students gave me for my big day). It’s an exciting time, as she’s also wrapping up her years in elementary school, growing about two inches a day (or so it seems) and turning into a young lady who makes me so very proud. This journey we’re on together towards publishing has been the very best writing adventure I’ve taken so far, and I know I will always hold it in my heart as one of the most successful things I’ve done as a mother, even if we aren’t ultimately the world-famous authors that we imagine ourselves becoming!

But for as scared as I was of turning 40, I have to say it’s been fabulous so far. If I could share a few words with my younger self–the one who always wanted to be a writer, but beat herself up for not making it happen–I’d tell her so many things, first and foremost that she should keep cutting herself some slack, and that someday will come…and all too soon.

And I’d tell her this: You’ll do okay–I promise. You’ll marry your high-school sweetheart, move across country to Florida with your childhood dog, your 1983 Toyota Tercel with no AC, and your new husband. You won’t have jobs, and you’ll discover that the modeling you moved to Miami to pursue isn’t what you thought it would be.  That the agencies and clients don’t love you as much now that you’re old enough to call your own shots, and you don’t want to do all of the things they tell you to do.

You’ll stay in Florida for ten years, get your Bachelor’s degree, live through an incredibly challenging stint as a child welfare caseworker, try your hand at grantwriting, and meet some people along the way who you’ll carry with you always. You will give birth to the most wonderful creature you’ve ever known (no bias there, of course…), and while holding your infant in your arms, you’ll be diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Because the combination of these two things bring uncertainty and fear, you and your husband will decide that moving back across country to be with family is your best option, so you’ll make that leap–with a baby and two cats in tow (and everyone on that cross-country flight will despise you, but so be it.)

Back in the northwest, you’ll be a stay-at-home mom, manage a non-profit for a few years, and will ultimately get your Masters in Education so that you can take on the biggest challenge and most enriching job of your life. Being a high-school teacher will bring you immeasurable joy, and some of the most amazing people you will ever know will come into your life simply because a counselor assigned them to your class. They’ll walk through the door of your room, unsure about who you are, but prepared to teach you about heartache, patience, humor, and loving other humans even if you can’t “fix” them. Stay strong–you will be rewarded.

So all of these things will conspire to make you who you are at 40, and they are all things that should thrill you and make you proud. You are here, you are (mostly) healthy, you have love, and–most importantly–you have learned to give of yourself without expecting anything in return. The rest is gravy. Now go and write that damn book, girl! Someday is now!

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “On turning 40.

  1. This made me tear up. You have already accomplished so much. And even if the joy you get from writing is only for yourself (and close friends, of course)!! then ever minute will have been worth it. There is so much in life to experience and enjoy, because every second is a gift to treasure. And nothing like turning 40 to tell you that yes…someday is now. Love you!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s